Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
