I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
