Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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