I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found the puke drawer
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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