We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
