Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
