i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
