An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
