my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
