Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize