So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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