my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
