I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
