dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
