why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
