My first STD was from a foam party
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize