omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just invented taco cereal.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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