I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
