Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
