I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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