my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's shark week go big or go home
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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