I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
