You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
