I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
