mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
