My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
