6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
