Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
You ever have a fart follow you around?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
