At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
