you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize