My liver just broke up with me...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
