I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
