my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
