dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
