mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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