So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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