he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's never too late to be topless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
