i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
