speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
