just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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