Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
