My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
