is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
