My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize