it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
