It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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