Plan B is the new Plan A
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize