oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
