After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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