You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
