He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
