we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Randomize
