i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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