Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
