Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
