Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
