Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize