with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize