Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
