I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
